Snow White and the Seven and a Half Dwarfs
by Delordra
Summary: A tongue-in-cheek, somewhat feminist rewrite of "Snow White"


Snow White and the Seven and a Half Dwarfs  
  
Once upon a time a young woman named Snow White lived in a cottage in the woods with seven and a half dwarfs. Snow White was called that because her skin was white as snow. So was her hair, and she had pink eyes. This was probably due to the fact that her ancestors had been marrying their cousins for generations. She had a wicked stepmother who was very beautiful and was always making fun of Snow White for being so strange looking. Snow White also got sunburned all the time when her wicked stepmother made her work outside, so after a while she ran away to the forest, where the trees would shade her. She found the house of the seven and a half dwarfs, who couldn't see too well on account of spending all day in the mines, so they didn't care what Snow White looked like.  
Now these dwarfs insisted upon being called dwarfs and not dwarves, for, they said, each of them was a dwarf and not a dwarve, and so it didn't make much sense to call them dwarves all together. It was all right to call a collection of more than one knife "knives," because they weren't alive and didn't care what you called them. And one sheep was pretty much like another, so it didn't really matter whether you had one or several. But these dwarfs had feelings, all seven and a half of them.  
But how can there be seven and a half dwarfs, you ask? Well, the seven full dwarfs were called Funny, Dummy, Tummy, Lumpy, Stinky, Finky, and Dinky, Dinky being the very smallest of the lot. The half dwarf was called Bruno, and he was seven and a half feet tall. His mother had been a giantess, but his father was a dwarf, and so he called himself a half dwarf and never minded about the giant part even though his big bed took up as much space as all seven of the beds for the other dwarfs.  
So Snow White and the seven and a half dwarfs got on very well together. The seven dwarfs would troop down to the mine each day, and Snow White would go with them, since she couldn't get sunburned in the dark tunnels. Bruno stayed behind to clean the dwarfs' cabin, wash the breakfast dishes, and make supper; he was too big to fit in the tunnels. All went well for many months, until one winter day when Bruno got the flu. He had to stay in his big bed, and the rest of them agreed that Snow White should stay home to take care of him, since she and Bruno were very good friends. Funny, Dummy, Tummy, and Dinky secretly hoped that Snow White and Bruno would become more than friends, but Lumpy, Stinky, and Finky didn't want them to fall in love, because then they would have children and the dwarfs would have to make the cabin bigger. Since Lumpy, Stinky, and Finky were the biggest of the dwarfs, they would have to do most of the work.besides Bruno, of course. Anyway, on that cold winter's day when Snow White stayed home to take care of Bruno, their happy little world changed abruptly. For at about noon a Prince, Prince Darning, knocked on the door. Snow White opened it, screamed, and tried to shut it again, for Prince Darning was extremely ugly. But Prince Darning forced the door open and looked at Snow White's white skin and hair and pink eyes. "You must be Snow White," he said, "and that means that you are a princess and must come away to marry me, for I am a prince and you are the only unmarried princess left in the whole world." So he seized her and dragged her, kicking and screaming, away to his castle. Bruno saw and heard all of this, but he was too weak to get out of bed, so he had to wait until the rest of the dwarfs came home. When they did, he told them what had happened, and they were all very angry. They immediately determined that they must rescue Snow White from the obviously evil Prince Darning, and so they left their mines and began building a tunnel that would end under Prince Darning's castle.  
In the meantime, though, Snow White was not passively waiting for rescue. As soon as she had a chance, she punched Prince Darning in the face and gave him a black eye that actually made him somewhat less ugly. She then gave him an earful of how she certainly would not marry him, not even if he were the last prince on Earth, not even if he were the last man on Earth. Prince Darning decided that he really didn't want a wife who could think for herself and use her fists, so he turned her out of his castle, persuaded his father to get rid of the law that said he had to marry a princess, and married a poor peasant girl with great beauty but no brains whatsoever. Snow White found her way back to the house of the dwarfs only to find that they were all in the tunnel digging under the Prince's castle, except Bruno, who of course would not fit. So she went down the tunnel and called them all back. They were mostly pleased that she had rescued herself, but secretly a little dismayed because they had wanted to be the ones to do it. Once they were all back together in the little house, Snow White decided to guard against any more princes deciding to marry her, so she proposed to Bruno. He accepted, and they married and moved into their own little cottage not far from the seven dwarfs, who were happy to be a nice whole number of dwarfs. And they all lived happily until they got old-not quite ever after, but close. 


End file.
